Jerkin off

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Jerkin off

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Jerkin Off Video

Dog Breeders Are Jerking Off Their Dogs

You can use any sock sleeve as a cum-receptacle, or when you're in the shower hang a hot wet towel around your wanker to cocoon it in moist warm weight.

Choose the style that fits your manhood and then put a condom, latex glove, or other protective sheath — filled with lube!

Flip the open end over the top and secure with a rubber band or tape so it stays in place. You can hold the cylinder in your hand or wedge it between your mattresses or your couch.

Cock-condiments are more pleasurable when warmed slightly in the microwave; but make sure you test the temperature first before putting your prick into anything hot.

Take a large cucumber, squash, watermelon, honeydew, or cantaloupe, cut a hole to fit your erection in one side, and a smaller opening the size of a pencil in the other.

Hollow out the inside to fit your circumference and then screw the squishy goodness. You can place your finger over the small hole and remove it to adjust the draw to simulate the effect of getting a blowjob.

Select a jar and fill it with stewed tomatoes, Spaghetti O's, mac-n-cheese, cottage cheese, oatmeal or peanut butter.

Cover the top with plastic wrap and a rubber band, cut a hole and you're ready to go. You can also turn your salami into a sandwich by slapping it between two pieces of bread, bologna, chicken breast, chicken skin, lamb kebob, spam, liver, lox, or steak.

Grab your meal two-fisted, squeeze and squirt. Plastic Baggie. Pick your size from snack to storage , fill it with Crisco, Vaseline, Jell-O or banana pulp, and then stuff it with your meat.

Hold the package in your preferred hand or cram everything under a cushion, then pleasure yourself to completion. Rubber Gloves. When you want to feel like someone else is giving you the greatest reach-around of your life, don a latex sheath on your own hand before whacking off.

Still, an industrious-yet-lonely man with a boner is basically a sexual MacGyver. If you're not picking up what I'm putting down yet, allow me to elucidate.

For this particular solo mission to Dribblesville, you need to take a slice of deli ham -- and in this case, you don't necessarily want it super thin -- and maybe pop it in the microwave for 10 seconds.

Maybe you want it in a piece of bread for added grip, I don't know. I don't want to be the conductor on this train to penile trichinosis; I'm just sharing information.

Point is, you wrap warm meat around your cyclopean flesh carrot, and strum away like Clapton performing his final concert. This is a lot like regular masturbation, only the smell is much more off-putting.

Have you smelled deli ham lately? Give it a try. Then rub it aggressively on your crotch for a few minutes. The porcine groin bouquet is a bit sweet and a bit musky -- kind of like what you might expect from a corpse, or a Kardashian when no cameras are around.

I can't recommend it. Fleshlight has apparently sold over seven million units worldwide. There's a reason Fleshlight hasn't hired me as an ad man.

That aside, the inside of a Fleshlight is soft, squishy, and textured with various nubs, swirls, and ridges.

The basic goal of a Fleshlight was to make a vagina into a handheld device; an idea that will get exponentially creepier the more time you devote to thinking about it.

Fleshlight It's like if Ed Gein got into porn and collected just one body part. Patented in , the Fleshlight was the answer to the warm meat conundrum: How can I rub my chub in a way that is more exotic and satisfying than using my hand, but will not leave a slime trail of salmonella bacteria on my sack?

Many people claim the Fleshlight is even better than the real thing, at which point we're left to consider whether by "real thing" they mean their hand -- which of course they don't mean -- or an actual human vagina -- which, sadly, they do mean.

The existential sadness of anyone claiming that a disembodied rubber vag-sleeve is better than having sex with another person is something no Cracked columnist can dare take on without some serious alcohol to fuel the poetic ennui that will follow.

I refuse the challenge, because I have masters to bate and a soul that still glows a little when you say nice things to it.

Maybe one day, if I ever willingly take a nap on a back alley mattress and start agreeing with things Donald Trump says, I'll be able to revisit this idea, but until then, no.

No sir. Now, this isn't to say a Fleshlight is an unpleasant experience. If you have the chance, you go ahead and pork that little rubber fun hole.

It's not bad at all. I would argue that a Fleshlight is to sex what Taco Bell is to a Mexican banquet. It's not really in the ballpark, and sure, some snotty people who think they're better than you will make fun of it.

But you know what? When you're drunk at 2 a. The major downside to the Fleshlight is that it's a lot like manual labor.

Masturbating with your hand affords you that flesh-to-flesh connection. It's not work; it's personal grooming. You're cleaning your pipes.

But the Fleshlight in hand makes it a bit more like mixing a never-ending martini that you can't drink -- and instead of an olive, you're garnishing it with man nectar that you need to hose out the end of a length of flopping, disembodied, pseudo-vaginal canal.

Gritty Woman At which point, your only hope is to become turned on by tapeworms. I want you to put on your 3D glasses, hop on your hoverboard, and start eating astronaut ice cream, because the future of tugging on your tuber is now.

The Autoblow 2 is the most advanced form of wanking mankind has to offer. After this, we can only design robot arms with gentle-yet-firm jacking motions.

And you know after the preliminary trials, the whole project is going to be set back when one goes haywire and yanks some volunteer's dick off with such force that it gets javelined across a room and embedded in a brick wall.

The Autoblow takes the basic premise of a Fleshlight -- a fake, semi-realistic vagina with a tail -- and adds a new dimension of awesome that the old Fleshlight failed miserably at achieving.

This dimension is, of course, autonomy. You can read a damn book while this thing grinds your organ. You'll probably need to balance it between your thighs a little, or wedge it slightly between yourself and a pillow.

But with only a little effort, you're doing your taxes, you're eating pudding, you're braiding your hair, whatever.

Sky's the limit. Letsgasm Be mindful of which pudding you eat, however. The clear upside of the Autoblow is that it finally takes masturbation out of your hands.

You just have to be comfortable with a Donkey Kong-esque barrel on your junk. When you are just about to get off, push the head of your penis underneath a thin stream of cold water.

The sensation will be intense, and as a bonus, you will be all cleaned up when you are done. As you are using one hand in the best way to jerk off, use the other to press hard on the skin between your testicles and your anus.

This area is right over the prostate gland. Your orgasm will be more intense if you keep up the pressure at that spot. When you are masturbating, have a bowl of very warm water nearby.

Right before you are ready to get off, dip your balls into that warm water, all while still masturbating. It is said to make the orgasm much more intense.

When you are masturbating like you usually do, use your free hand to pull down on your testicles. This will tighten the skin around your shaft and lead to an entirely different sensation.

You might have to use lube with this one to keep from having too much friction. Then use that hand to masturbate. It might feel like someone else is working on your penis until you get off.

Strange, but nice. Look into the mirror as you masturbate. Call a halt to all your masturbation activities for one week. It might seem impossible, but you can do it!

And it might be your best way to jerk yourself off. Next time you start, you will get off very quickly, and the sensation will be extremely intense.

Instead of jerking up and down, why not twist your hands from side to side? This swiveling around your penis can feel strange, but you might be surprised how quickly you can get off, especially if you use warming lube while you do it.

Rather than masturbate as you normally do, push your penis down between your legs. Lube up your thighs and close them tightly.

Then move just slightly enough to get a bit of friction going.

If you do it anyway, beware that peeing and ejaculating may be painful for several days, but the stinging will subside.

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What took you so long? All of this junk can feel great on your junk. Hey lady, lend him a little mouth lube would ya? Fleshlight It's like if Ed Gein got into porn and collected just one body part.

Patented in , the Fleshlight was the answer to the warm meat conundrum: How can I rub my chub in a way that is more exotic and satisfying than using my hand, but will not leave a slime trail of salmonella bacteria on my sack?

Many people claim the Fleshlight is even better than the real thing, at which point we're left to consider whether by "real thing" they mean their hand -- which of course they don't mean -- or an actual human vagina -- which, sadly, they do mean.

The existential sadness of anyone claiming that a disembodied rubber vag-sleeve is better than having sex with another person is something no Cracked columnist can dare take on without some serious alcohol to fuel the poetic ennui that will follow.

I refuse the challenge, because I have masters to bate and a soul that still glows a little when you say nice things to it.

Maybe one day, if I ever willingly take a nap on a back alley mattress and start agreeing with things Donald Trump says, I'll be able to revisit this idea, but until then, no.

No sir. Now, this isn't to say a Fleshlight is an unpleasant experience. If you have the chance, you go ahead and pork that little rubber fun hole.

It's not bad at all. I would argue that a Fleshlight is to sex what Taco Bell is to a Mexican banquet. It's not really in the ballpark, and sure, some snotty people who think they're better than you will make fun of it.

But you know what? When you're drunk at 2 a. The major downside to the Fleshlight is that it's a lot like manual labor.

Masturbating with your hand affords you that flesh-to-flesh connection. It's not work; it's personal grooming.

You're cleaning your pipes. But the Fleshlight in hand makes it a bit more like mixing a never-ending martini that you can't drink -- and instead of an olive, you're garnishing it with man nectar that you need to hose out the end of a length of flopping, disembodied, pseudo-vaginal canal.

Gritty Woman At which point, your only hope is to become turned on by tapeworms. I want you to put on your 3D glasses, hop on your hoverboard, and start eating astronaut ice cream, because the future of tugging on your tuber is now.

The Autoblow 2 is the most advanced form of wanking mankind has to offer. After this, we can only design robot arms with gentle-yet-firm jacking motions.

And you know after the preliminary trials, the whole project is going to be set back when one goes haywire and yanks some volunteer's dick off with such force that it gets javelined across a room and embedded in a brick wall.

The Autoblow takes the basic premise of a Fleshlight -- a fake, semi-realistic vagina with a tail -- and adds a new dimension of awesome that the old Fleshlight failed miserably at achieving.

This dimension is, of course, autonomy. You can read a damn book while this thing grinds your organ. You'll probably need to balance it between your thighs a little, or wedge it slightly between yourself and a pillow.

But with only a little effort, you're doing your taxes, you're eating pudding, you're braiding your hair, whatever. Sky's the limit.

Letsgasm Be mindful of which pudding you eat, however. The clear upside of the Autoblow is that it finally takes masturbation out of your hands. You just have to be comfortable with a Donkey Kong-esque barrel on your junk.

It has variable speeds as well, so you can go from lazy Quaalude mumble-munch to Furious 7 Vin Diesel power gulp. The downside to the Autoblow, depending on how you feel about noise, is that it sounds like you're being blown by the factory from the end The Terminator.

Just a cacophony of churning, rumbling gears, and actuators slouching along towards Jizzrael. Orion Pictures "Live with me if you want to cum.

The other issue here is one of balance. The Autoblow's big selling point is that it saves you the dreaded carpal tunnel and wrist stress of all compulsive masturbators before you, but it's still not entirely hands-free.

It's got girth -- it's like you're trying to fuck a two-liter bottle of root beer that's really into it -- but you either have to hold it up or, as I said, find some way to balance it.

Or as a last ditch effort, you need to stand and place it at wang level with something to weigh it down and just be there, in the moment.

A dude with his dick in a blowie machine. Has technology improved the wank? Have our advances in texturized rubbers improved our alone time?

Is the handjob your grandfather's handjob? After thorough consideration, weighing all pros and cons, I have to conclude that traditional, you-and-your-dirty-kielbasa-claw masturbation is still the best form.

Ease of use. It's as simple as that. Sure, the Autoblow is an impressive sensation, but can you do that on an elevator with a hole cut in the pocket of your dress pants without anyone else noticing?

When you are masturbating like you usually do, use your free hand to pull down on your testicles. This will tighten the skin around your shaft and lead to an entirely different sensation.

You might have to use lube with this one to keep from having too much friction. Then use that hand to masturbate. It might feel like someone else is working on your penis until you get off.

Strange, but nice. Look into the mirror as you masturbate. Call a halt to all your masturbation activities for one week.

It might seem impossible, but you can do it! And it might be your best way to jerk yourself off. Next time you start, you will get off very quickly, and the sensation will be extremely intense.

Instead of jerking up and down, why not twist your hands from side to side? This swiveling around your penis can feel strange, but you might be surprised how quickly you can get off, especially if you use warming lube while you do it.

Rather than masturbate as you normally do, push your penis down between your legs. Lube up your thighs and close them tightly. Then move just slightly enough to get a bit of friction going.

You can also tuck your testicles under while you do this. When you are getting close, stop the stroking and slap your penis against your belly and your thighs.

Do this in a rhythmic fashion, and soon you will be close again. Slap harder at the big finish. Use a heating pad on your penis for a few minutes.

At the same time, submerge your hand in very cold water. Get yourself hard, then use the icy hand to masturbate.

Instead of using your hands, hump a few pillows on the bed and imagine that you are having sex with someone.

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Jerkin Off Video

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